c’est la me-An Open Thank-You Letter to My First Love

Eight years is a long time to love someone, regardless of who they are. It can take one moment to change someone’s life. I’m thankful for the thousands of moments you gave me in the two thousand days of loving and knowing you. 

When I was ten years old, I thought I had life figured out. Don’t we all? We never think of the possibility that things might change. So when you came into my life, I felt the changing sensation all at once. It was slow motion; I still remember it clearly. We locked eyes and suddenly we were the only people in the room. Now isn’t that always the way? It’s always that one person who changes your perception of life. I’m starting to think personal opinions are formed of experiences you share with others. Unbeknownst to me or you, that started a long journey of blue eyes and brown eyes, boy and girl.

You know what happened, you were there too. I’ll spare the details. When things were up, I felt so happy I didn’t even feel real. When things were down, I felt so low I couldn’t remember what a positive feeling felt like. You were my first everything, and I don’t regret a single one of the thousands of moment we shared. I know you think I should, because you don’t like the person you’ve become. Because you’ve hurt me and you can’t stand that. Because no matter how much you wanted to give up on yourself or us, I wouldn’t let you, because I believe in you and will always believe in you. You’re beautiful. Every part of you. You’re my best friend, and I will always care about you. I know you hate when I use absolutes, because there are many good things in your life that are fleeting. However, you also know me and how stubborn I am.

I want to thank you for those eight years. In those eight years, I found out more about myself from the person who already knew everything the moment we met. You knew what made me smile, what made me upset, what songs to strum on your guitar while I was cuddled in your arms, what song to slow dance to in the middle of your living room, what happiness your stupid lopsided grin gave me. At one point, I’d lived over half my life with you. Usually, that would scare me, but what is my life without you in it?

You’ve made me feel real pain. You’ve made me feel real love. Everything I’d experienced before you were pseudo feelings to prepare me for the actual thing. In the moment, I felt ill prepared, but you can never be ready for validation of your feelings to be staring you in the face. Good or bad, every realization leaves a person breathless. And that’s what deep feelings should do. Render you unable to act because of the sheer connection that it’s happening, in that moment. Because of you, I’ve had my heart broken and put back together. Because of you, I learned how to build walls and break them down. Because of you, I’ve learned to love and be loved.

You had a tough one on your hands, but you managed to work it out. You managed to make a lover out of someone who thought that the color of her skin, the features on her face, the imperfections on her body, the depression, anxiety, and bipolarity in her life were impossible to love. You managed to find someone who would love you unconditionally for the remainder of her days. You managed to become scared that I would waste my life counting on you to be my best friend. You managed to cut all contact from me.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know that even though it hurts, you make your decisions with good intentions. You’ve given me the courage to love again, and I’m so happy right now because of that. Without you, I would’ve never known the growth opportunities that come with second chances. I would’ve never known the pain of letting someone go because you love them. Because you just want what’s best, and sometimes, what’s best isn’t you. No one understood why I love you so much, or why I invested so much in us, but they’d just never seen how much I can fight for what I believe in. They never saw you in our way back when, or how hard you tried in our currently, and the effect you had in our past. It has all shaped me into the best version of myself I coudld’ve ever been, and I couldn’t have asked God to bless me with a better best friend to spend four million, two hundred and four thousand, eight hundred and one minutes with.

With love and a cuddle for Mia, your challenger,

Kay

Stay alive.

Today’s Jams: an alternative indie playlist I made on Spotify  https://open.spotify.com/user/carmikeall/playlist/6NtdG2t4AhIxfAIm89ba3v

 

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